Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I am a sad sight to see today as I write this blog. There is a bag of frozen berries on my shoulder. An ice pack on my right knee (the one that I don't generally wear a brace on but I guess I should start). I have been medicating today and trying not to yelp in pain when I lift my kids. The shoulder is, of course, a result of dropping my Jujus. That is a deserved injury. But why o why the knees! I am trying to better myself. Trying to be less fat so my knees hurt less. And yet, they ache. And so, I ice.

Today we ran a little less than Forrest Gump did. DI-Size0 said it was 1.5 miles. In my head I thought, "1.5 miles + what...4 miles, 5 miles"? I forgive DI-Size0 for today's torture because in my mess log she wrote "Keep it up. You can do it!" Trite, but encouraging nonetheless. We then did lunges, and squats, and starfish, oh my.

What's a starfish? Well, for marine biologists, it would be the improper way of identifying a sea star. My college roommate (also my marine biology T.A.) would always correct me and say "sea star". She was very passionate about sea creatures. Anyhow, I digress. What is a "sea star" in EB Land? Well, it is when you squat ("back high, Tina, no bending over"...well, yes it feels like I am bending over if you know what I mean) and then from the squat position LEAP into the air with arms forming a "Y"MCA above your head and so you purportedly look like a starfish. I look like a dip shit.

This particular maneuver takes my lack of gracefulness to new levels. Anyhow, we did about 700 of those. They ain't easy. Frankly, I wanted to lay on the ground like sea urchin. "Excuse me, DI-Size0, would you mind if I demonstrate a sea urchin?" Yeah, that wouldn't fly.

The good news is that since I am so bad at doing these I am never able to look around to see how everyone else is faring. My inner hope is that they are so focused on their flailing that they don't notice that I am actually doing The Freddie. Sigh. My starfish prowess needs work.

We have also had a new DI substitute in this week. He is the general manager of the franchise where I participate in EB. Let's call him DI-GM. He is pretty intense but very knowledgeable and gave me good advice on taking care of my battle scars today. He also told me this morning that I shouldn't drink coffee before EB in the morning. Every. single. day., coffee is my 5 a.m. entry in my Mess Log: "Coffee, Splenda, Sugar Free Creamer". DI-GM doesn't realize that if I don't drink coffee in the morning I will literally embrace my inner sea urchin and lay on the floor imitating the gelatinous mass that most normal people are at 5 a.m. He is such a nice guy who cares about our health and betterment - but really, no coffee. REALLY! He says I will get cramps as the workouts get intense. Um, were the workouts not intense already? Did I miss something?

Dear Readers,

I embrace the cramps. If the workouts get more intense, I want my death to be one that follows a nice cup of coffee with Splenda and sugar free creamer.

Best Regards,


The ice is melting. The coffee pot timer is on for 4:45 a.m. Go ahead, try a starfish, you know you want to.


  1. LOL!!!! Great post. I don't think I could do a sea star either and I definitely cannot survive without coffee first thing in the morning!! Are they nuts?????????

  2. This is awesome!! I'm agonizingly familiar with ‘starfish’ having just had to do 100 of them in a row with no stops. My trainer simplistically calls them ‘jump squats’.

    Suspiciously… My reward for succeeding in the aforementioned jump squat challenge was 2 gift certificates for Starbucks Tazo TEA lattes. Hmmmmmm. I often wonder if trainers have some secret society where they all sit around, drink tea, and plan new tortures for their clients.

  3. I did try a starfish or two or three.

    One hundred in a row with no stops? Oh come on. Holy balls.

  4. As I continue to read your post, I may need to wear a diaper. I am laughing so hard I about to pee my pants !!!!!!! I need to join. Starfish here I come.