Friday, March 13, 2009

Good Night

My parents wanted to spend some extra time with Lulo and so I gave Lulo to my Mom this afternoon and will meet up with them this weekend at my parent's house. The nightly ritual here is that I read Lulo books and put him to bed and whoever else is here (J, Nanny Extraordinaire, my Mom, my MIL, etc.) feeds the twins their bottles and put them to bed.

The twins are almost 1.

Today was the first time (in my memory) that I put them to bed.

I was totally nervous. I had to ask Nanny Extraordinaire questions like: (1) who usually finishes first? (2) does the other one cry while the other one is finishing? (3) do you put one to bed while the other finishes? (4) what do you do if they both start crying? I got the answer I have often given to clients: "It depends." This was not a satisfying answer. But, I imagine that answer isn't satisfying for most people.

Anyhow, the experience went rather smoothly actually. Juju finished first. Jojo finished about 30 seconds later. I just kind of rubbed Juju's bloated, chubby belly while Jojo finished his bottle. Then I picked up Juju, he let out a monstrous belch. And while, I was holding Jojo to put him down, Juju started to cry. And I started to sweat. Then I put Jojo down, prayed he wouldn't cry. Comforted Juju. He stopped. Jojo started. Both stopped. And, I thanked God, rung out my t-shirt, and headed for the closest bottle of wine I could find. God bless Nanny Extraordinaire.

I am kind of sad though.

As the twins get older, I realize how little time I have spent with them as individuals. Almost no time with EACH of them. I haven't even put them to bed. That's weird, right? I think it's sad I have to ask Nanny Extraordinaire how to put my own kids to bed.

She is such a great nanny. I love her. Seriously, love her.

We don't know what we'd do without her. She works hard, she has an amazing attitude, she is good with my kids, she is trustworthy, she is loving (without being Peyton from the Hand that Rocks the Cradle), and best of all, the kids love her. She never tries to replace me or compete with me. She is great.

But, she spends more time with the twins than I do (at least during the week). I think she knows them a little better. I think she comforts them a little faster. Oh, it just saddens me.

Partly, I think it makes me sad because frankly, I couldn't be with them all day, every day. I'd go batty. I love them but it would probably be the death of me. The amount of respect that I have for SAHMs grows every weekend. How do they do it? How do they survive the whining, the day in and day out, the crying, the chaos, the mess? It is amazing. I really love the nanny. I really miss her on the weekend. I heart her. I'd invite her to be a sister wife if I was on Big Love and I had to choose between her and Nicki Grant. Wait, have I made it clear that I really like having her help???

Having said that, it partly makes me sad because I am missing stuff. The other day I asked J if he thought they knew I was their mother. Are they thinking: "Is this lady who shows up in the morning to dress us and then shows up at night for baths just a lady practicing to be a mom? An apprentice Mom. Not sure if the Trump would fire her." Do they want to fire me? It's not like I am not here but what happens is that the time I am around, Lulo (the eldest and more vocal of the three) demands Mama love. He isn't mean or jealous of them but he wants me and he wants his routine to stay the same and that makes sense to me.

I am lucky in a lot of ways. I can work from home sometimes and can see my kids mid-day or just sneak up to bury my nose in their fat rolls and tickle their feet. I work for myself so I can and do take them to doctor's appointments (so fun!) and other such things. And I can give myself some time off to hang out with them sometimes. Not everyone can do that. In a way, it is the best of both worlds.

But, yet, I sit here writing this wondering if they know that I am their Mama. Well, tonight, when I put them to bed, I reminded them...just in case they weren't sure. Good night little boys. I love you forever.

1 comment:

  1. Well I think there is a much bigger challenge when you have twins and an older child. I know that when my aunt had my twin cousins, my uncle ended up being the primary caregiver to their 3 year old and they have a very special relationship. But she also has a great relationship with her mom. So don't worry, it all evens out in the end. We ALL worry about how much attention we give each of our kids even when we only have one. That is the mommy guilt. But even though technically Brianna has spent more time with my parents over all during the week, I am her fave and she prefers me when she is sick, etc.. They know who mommy is :) Hang in there, you are doing a great job!!!