Thursday, June 23, 2011

Tailspin

There are socks all over the house.  I watch sitcoms during which fat nondescript housewife follows fat nondescript blue collar male around the house bitching about how he does not pick up his towels, socks, whatever, he further does not put the toilet seat down.  I have no memory of my skinny accented mother following my hard working, albeit overweight, white collar father around the house asking him to pick up or do anything.  I am sure she’d squat over a cold, seat raised porcelain god before disturbing the state it was in to ensure my father would not be bothered.  In fact, she often would be in the middle of dinner clean up, homework, kids, washing the ashtray, and bringing him tea and pistachios when he’d ask for a glass of water.  She’d bring that glass of water and then the vacuum to clean up the stray inner shell of the pistachios. 

I digress. 

My husband J’s athletic socks all over the house.  L is a mouse.  He pesters his brothers to be rats or cats or anything so they can play with him.  It is a club.   When they lose a tail, they get another one.  And another one.  And another one.  The discarded tails are in the kitchen, bathroom, toilet, front door, garage, several in the car, front door, on their scooters, on the steps, in the bathtub.   He is becoming a mouse.  He crawls around.  His imagination is wild.  He talks non-stop.  We had a play date today with a cool kid and his cool mom and she literally asked if he ever shuts up.  Seeing as how she too has a four year old and happens to be a teacher, it is an interesting observation indeed.

Should I love this imagination of his?  Should I embrace it?  He keeps asking me if I could just like the tails.  Could I just maybe wear one with him all day and be a mouse too?  I do sometimes because it just makes him too happy.  But now he is asking the guests if they’d like a tail.  Not a cold drink on a Pomona summer day.  A tail.   I think it would be fun to wear one to a NAWBO meeting.  “Hi there CEO of X.  Yes, I am the managing partner of a law firm and yes I have a tail on my gargantuan ass.  How are you?” 

One morning we were walking into school.  He forgot to take off his tail when he got out of the car.  This is the only time he takes it off and he never forgets to do so.  He sleeps with it, he puts it aside when he goes to the restroom (now that he lost one down the toilet.)  But, he voluntarily amputates his tail before going to school which I find fascinating…I have never had to tell him to do it.  Does he know other kids would tell him that it’s not a tail at all?  And so, another Mom sort of chuckles and says, “don’t you hate when the clothes stick together in the dryer.  L you have a sock stuck to your shorts.”  {{I chuckled too…like I would wash J’s filthy socks with L clothes.}} 

L glares and says:  “That’s NOT a sock, it’s a TAIL.” 

IMG_7422 That is my tale.  And these are my mice. 

Friday, June 17, 2011

Off Target

And so today, I went to Target to buy a couple “last minute” items for Father’s Day.  Like, cards and something that my father can put on a shelf and ignore for another year.   Aside from Mother of the Year, I am also in the running for Wife and Daughter of the Year.  All is right in the world.  Mediocrity at its best.

Anyhow, I get there, catch my reflection in the mirror and decide that I would look less fat and awful, if I took the keys and cell phone out of my sweats and shoved them into my purse.  The improvement was nothing to write home about.  I put my purse in the cart and started my normal route around Target.  I will always walk by the $8 t-shirts and tanks of which I have so many in so many different colors, it is disturbing.  I then go by the workout stuff and the pajamas.  Anyhow, I did not buy any crap today that I did not need, at least not really.  I went by the toys and found some “make believe doctor” type toys that I knew J and J would love so I picked that up and then I grabbed the cart and went on my way. 

I headed straight for the DVD section where I was certain I would find something suitable for my father.  I did.  Threw said Clint Eastwood Western compilation into cart with fake medical kit.  I then walked over to the electronics section thinking that maybe I would find him some kind of handheld game that he could play without moving from the couch.  And then, I realized I had not checked my phone for the last several minutes.  And THEN, I noticed that my cart had no purse in it.  My purse was gone.  The little area where a purse should be wholly lacked a purse.  And honestly, I had NO IDEA how that happened.  And then, a red polo shirt saleswoman walked by and I must have looked pale and nauseated and frantic but she said nothing and walked by.  And I decided to retrace my steps. 

I would not have held my heavy ass purse because there was perfectly good compartment to hold my purse. So, I figured I would go to where I was and see if someone there saw the bastard Pomona shit steal my purse so I could make a report to the police. Then I figured that all Pomona hooligans stick together and so why would anyone help.  I then cursed Pomona, sweat pooling in my still too tight underwire.  Not by the DVDs.  Go to the toy section.  Father-daughter still negotiating about a Barbie.  Pleased at this point that although I do not have a purse, I also do not have any Barbie heads in my house.  I glare at the father because he must be in on the delinquency whereby my purse is now with some gang member in Pomona. 

I am seething and fuming and upset that I have lost all my contacts and a few hundred bucks, all my credit cards.  My new giraffe wallet.   Totally irritated that I have to go to the POMONA DMV.  There is nothing worse than Pomona DMV, you go there to risk your life.  My newly opened Carmex.  My CAR KEYS.  I couldn’t even call Julio to ask him to pick me up because I HAD NO PHONE.  DAMN POMONA!

And I go up and down the aisles.  Aisles I did not even go in.  And there is an empty cart with just my purse in it.  My untouched purse, an empty cart.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Weinergate

Today, my year as president of my local NAWBO chapter ended which means that I have all kinds of wonderful free time to swim around in. I am not real sure what to do with this time but I am a little twitchy that not one email has come in and fallen into my Outlook NAWBO folder since about 2 pm. Holy shit. What am supposed to do with this freedom?

I could bill. That would be good. Probably would please J tremendously.

I would rather, however, talk about penises. And no, not Weinergate. I am over his penis and pictures thereof. I will also not mention opposing counsel who did not like my very thorough discovery responses.

L. has a song that he sings every night now about his penis. I wouldn't even bother mentioning it if it was one night but this has been a few weeks and it cracks me up. A song and a dance. And I have to control my smile and I can't even let my eyes smile because, truly, it's not appropriate. I mean really...how do they start so young with this fascination and how does the fascination manage to stick around to the point that it can bring down a sophomoric, albeit charismatic, Congressman?

I digress. After his bath when I am attempting to dry him off and dress him, he walks around the room and puts his penis on every object he can find and sings a verse:

I put my wee wee on Mooooommmy. Booty Shake.
I put my wee wee on the bed. Booty Shake.
I put my wee wee on the bookcase. Booty Shake.
I put my wee wee on the dresser. Booty Shake.
I put my wee wee on the chaiiiiiir. Booty Shake.

And so on and so forth. I am pleased that he has such a strong handle on his vocabulary and likes to dance. I am little curious about the tune he sings the song to because it reminds me mildly of a porn soundtrack. It's definitely not from Alpha and Omega. Whatever. I would record because it is so funny but then he will think that dancing with his package is funny and special and then one day L Jr. will end up on Twitter and we know how that ends.

What's with boys and their members, really? Sigh. I think I know. I don't need answers to this. But seriously, this does not bode well. Imagine all three dancing like this or all four...crap, this can't be good. To be continued.