Taking Me Out of the Equation

Yesterday, J and I had a formal event to go to at night. So, I missed dinner time, bath time, bed time, reading time. With the exception of dinner, I like the nighttime routine. But, I am feeling sort of distressed about something. Maybe you have some thoughts on this, maybe not. But, I just want to say, this is not like a poor me, I am on the border of suicide type thing. It's more like, here it is and I am frustrated and sad thing.

Here is the deal. OK. Sigh.

Last night (when I wasn't around), dinner was a breeze (so I hear). Easy peasy. Lunch was a breeze. The only time any one cried is when I was there. In the mornings when I am here before work from about 7-9, there is always 1 or 2 children crying. They all want me, they all can't have me because I have yet to split into 3 whole versions of myself. So, I go to one, the others cry. I have 2, the third one cries. It is such a rare occurrence that they are all silent and pleased.

Same thing at dinner or any meal I am present for. Other than the general chaos that I believe has been discussed in some detail here on this blog. Seriously, Lulo wants me and I usually have 1 or 2 people to help with the twins (J and MIL/Nanny and J/Nanny A and Nanny B). So, I go to Lulo and then Jojo loses it. Won't eat, throws sippy cup at me to get my attention. I go to Jojo when I have a chance, Lulo stops eating and throws a fit. Lulo wants to sit on my lap. Then, Lulo will only eat on my lap. I don't like creating bad habits of him eating on my lap so I refuse, then he melts down on the floor and cries and screams. This disturbs the other 2. At this point, Juju notices that he's not with me and is like, hmm, I will throw a sippy cup at her.

Here is the thing. I like being here. Chaos and all. These are my kids. I want to be with them when I can be with them. But, honestly, they are so much happier when I am not here. They eat, there are no tears. The things that need accomplishing are accomplished. What am I DOING HERE? I feel like my presence is an invitation for melt downs and unhappiness which makes me want to remove myself entirely. But then, they don't have me and I don't have them. And we are all alone. I mean, it's good they want me but it's good when they eat and play and don't cry.

Feels like a lose-lose instead of win-win and really I just need wine wine but all that is truly happening is whine whine. Here are the kids, it's dinner time! Wish me luck!