Monday, April 6, 2009

The Great Escape

If I have to watch J shove one more piece of junk food in his face while remaining the same weight, I may have to pummel.

Seriously, he doesn't exercise and every time I see him he is eating a candy, chocolate, or a cookie. If I look at him eating, I gain weight.

I am only a little grumpy because I started Weight Watchers today and I was sitting at Panera for 1.5 hours and didn't order anything. I think just smelling the bread at Panera caused me to gain 2 pounds. (2/3 of the weight I lost over a six week period.) And, this week sans EB, I really need to be good.

Anyhow, I am sorting through my mail. It is like the universe got a memo that said "Tina is a Heiff" and the universe decided to send me my very own SPANX catalog. Um. Seriously, how did they know that I needed to stop breathing so I could look less fat? I have never gotten a SPANX catalog. Did they publish this JUST for me? I own SPANX already and so, as a result, I have a few things to say about this catalog.

Catalog Quote: "Offering unyielding support every day during life's most important events..."

Me: No. There is nothing unyielding about SPANX other than it squeezes the life out of your very core until all you remember about your most important event is your fat bulge escaping the squeeze of the SPANX and releasing itself to the world as the SPANX rolls below the bulge and DIGS into your ribs/ass/thighs etc.

Catalog: Many Size 4 Women wearing SPANX.

Me: Why are you wearing SPANX? STOP IT. Nothing needs smoothing, nothing needs to be held in, YOU ARE JUST FINE. Go back to eating your celery and sipping your Perrier. Sigh.

Catalog: "Over the years, we've tested virtually every brand of shapewear, and Spanx always comes out on top...That's because it gives women great shape without asking them to sacrifice comfort."

Me: Um, who is wearing this and what are they talking about? Is it COMFORTABLE to feel like a sausage? Is the fat roll releasing itself to the world the moment of comfort to which they refer? Because I am sorry Spanx catalog, the release of the fat roll was disturbing. I didn't know whether everyone could see the flee of my fat roll. I was tugging at the now rolled piece of elastic in between my rolls. That wasn't comfortable either. Were people watching me tugging at the now rolled band? Did they think a tick was involved? Did they laugh at my fat? We'll never know.

Catalog: "Behind every powerful woman, there's a pair of powerful panties."

Me: Interesting. I will deliberate this one and get back to you. My guess is that behind every powerful woman is a nice bag of Doritos Cool Ranch, a great nanny, a supportive husband, and a nice pair of flannel pajamas that allows her rolls to be free while she works. That's just a guess though.

Catalog: "It's easy to wear anything well - all you need is the right underpinning."

Me: No all you need is to stop breathing. There is nothing easy about wearing this stuff. Getting it on is a trial on it's own. I usually sweat trying to get any SPANX product on and luckily J has never walked in on me encountering the contortions required to get a SPANX tank on or a SPANX anything on. There is nothing easy about it. In fact, I think that this week while I am not at EB I will wake up at 5 every morning and put on SPANX. I will sweat and I will be a powerful woman.

You may wonder why I own any SPANX (let alone an entire drawer of SPANX) given the anger I have at this catalog and it is because the rolls need some help. And honestly, SPANX is the best roll shaping power you can buy. Having said that, it sucks (literally and figuratively). And, honestly, I won't wear it unless I REALLY NEED TO. But 3 kids later and many pints of Ben & Jerry's later, I have to bust out the SPANX every now and again. But so help me, my stated goal for a year from now, is to never touch SPANX again. I'd rather go under the knife - plastic surgery is my friend.

Meanwhile, I think I'll go watch J shove one more piece of junk in his mouth.


  1. Sooo... spanx is no longer just the briefs that you wear under leotards and cheerleading uniforms?

    Sorry! ////RUNNING AWAY FAST

  2. Love this post!!! Soooooooo funny. I have never tried spanx but I can just imagine it is not as fun as they make it sound :) And yes, what is up with the male metabolism???????? Another cruel joke from God!!

  3. I have two favorites: Yvette zip sports bra from Amazon ($29.9) and Champion Molded Cup Racer from Target ($18.99) - love, love, love them!