I Need Space

Lulo's been telling me, everyday for a week now, that he doesn't want to go to school.

Why?

"Because it's not funny."

Well, it's not supposed to be funny. He's been in rare form, every day. I honestly don't know what his deal is. He gets to school and doesn't want to eat...he always used to be happy and bounce to the table (except on oatmeal days.)

He says he wants "space." Ah, conscious discipline how you encourage the use of words like "space" and "I am not ready." Pppfffft....I'll show him space, I'll show him not ready.

"Mama, mama, can you wipe my butt?" says Lulo at 5:30 am for the last couple weeks.
"Nope, sorry, I am not ready. I need space," says Mama.

OK. I am reverting to a 3 year old.

So, I have been cranky and pensive about Lulo's recently general displeasure with all things life related. I have been trying to look for the silver lining besides the loving husband, the new patio furniture, and the healthy children and parents. And, I found it today in an unlikely place.

I decided to do some observation. I went to Lulo's school today for their weekly walk, which I never do, and exploration of the LA County Fairgrounds (btw fair grounds are so not fair sans fair). Here is what I found out:

1. Lulo was extremely crazily happy to have me there. He told me he loved me 30 times. He proudly held my hand showing me off to his friends. He was happy as a clam for exactly 60 minutes during the walk.

2. Lulo is a really good kid - he listens to directions, he doesn't talk back, he is quiet, pensive, participatory, says intelligent things...he doesn't flail, wander off, ignore the teacher, or throw 30 tantrums. He's a good kid.

3. Is it really bad that I was thankful 40 times that Lulo was my kid and not this other kid who lost his mind about the stupidest shit about 12 times in 60 minutes? He touched me. Waaaa. The petal on my flower fell off. Waaa. I don't want to walk. Waaaa. I need to pee. Waaa. I don't like the bathroom. Waaa. And so on, and so on. I wanted to spank him or tell him to stop whining already but...he wasn't my kid and I was pleased.

4. Is it really bad that I was thankful 32 times that I have no girls. The skipping and the whispering and the giggling, and the holding hands all over the place and hugging...just that 60 minutes with them was all that I need for the rest of my life. Girls are totally annoying.

Anyhow, that's what I learned. So, even though Lulo has been sort of a pain as of late...other kids are worse and at least he is not a girl.

After the walk, I went to Costco during the hour before I had to pick him up. The chicken I bought experienced some leakage and so salmonella is everywhere. I was late because apparently you can't buy food at the Obesity Mart outside Costco with a credit card so I had to go in and get cash. I hate Salmonella. Chicken juice is the most vile thing ever.

I got to school, finally, scrubbed my hands in the school bathroom like I was going into surgery and got Lulo who was curled up in a corner because he needed "space." And he said, "I am not happy right now" about 12 times in the 2.5 minute drive up the hill.

Well, you know what little man, I need space from chicken juice and Costco and the nanny leaving and everything because things are just not funny right now and I am not happy.

Strike that. I am not happy about chicken juice and cash only and the soon to be ex-nanny.... but the fact that Lukas, my little boy, loves me and told me that over and over even though he's not happy, ready, and nothing is funny...that's sort of nice. With that said, I could use a little space.

The Ex-Nanny Chronicles Part V: Jaded, Soooo Jaded

On Monday, the day after I got back from a week long trip to D.C. , my current nanny gave me notice, at 7:45 a.m. Her timing was soooo impeccable. Anyhow, she is a nice lady, not Maria von Trapp, but she lasted about 6 months. She wants to work with the geriatric population rather than my adorable kids. At least that's what she's told me. I am sort of obsessing that I am the problem with the way nannies go through here. Her predecessors, the ones who lasted more than 30 seconds, all stayed a year or more. It can't be that bad working with my family - even if I can be a control freak and a little temperamental.

Anyhow, I can't really ponder her leaving for very long because I need to locate her replacement. She wasn't perfect but she was nice and loving with my kids. And was very diligent and careful and what else can you ask for. /Shrug. I guess I need to just be OK with the fact that nannies come and go and unless I become a SAHM, nanny interviews, nanny hiring, nanny firing, and nanny departures will be a part of my life for a few years. (Oh, no chance I'll be a SAHM because even though I love those kids, I sooooo TGIM sometimes.)

Anyhow, I had to revisit Jade, my favorite ex-nanny, so that I could start feeling better about myself and my rotating front door when it comes to nannies...

• One night while she was on my computer in my kitchen, after the kids had gone nightnight, she was horrified that she was bouncing several checks. Apparently, the "you need to have money in your account" thing didn't resonate with her. Anywho, she asked me to pay her for the one day she had worked (I paid every Friday and it was Monday), so that she could replenish her balance so that she could buy...the CUTEST Halloween costume...so she could look just like Kate Perry.
• Another night, while she was on my computer in my kitchen, after the kids had gone nightnight, she got a phone call. It was about 10 p.m. She put the call on speaker, conferenced in another person and spoke at full volume. I had to come downstairs and ask her to keep it down because I was trying to sleep. And, rather than go down to her room to talk, she took it off of speakerphone and loudly finished her conversation.
• The kids were taking a nap one day and I was downstairs working, you know, real actual billable work. Rather than be productive and accomplish her to-do list, she came to my office. Then, she waited impatiently while I got off the phone (with a client), and then asked if she could go to the gas station and get a Red Bull while the kids napped. Um, yeah sure.
• She scratched herself all the time. Her arms, her legs, her chest. Soooo strange. She didn't seem all that concerned about the fact that she was scratching herself...all. the. time. Finally, one day, she asked to go to a doctor's appointment which I heartily agreed to and she said she'd be back by noon. She showed up at like 2 claiming the doctor took forevah to see her. After I fired her, I noticed that she had left her Facebook logged in on my computer and really, that day, she was at the DMV.
• She texted so much while she should have been focusing on my mobile but unsteady toddlers that she had an indentation on her palm from holding her iPhone. How did she even AFFORD an iPhone?

Yep, it's not me who is flawed. I am not Murphy Brown...right? This kind of nonsense would make ANYONE crazy, right? No way to make lemonade out of this lemon. No way.

The Deal Breaker

When J and I first started dating, after we started settling into the fact that things seemed to be going well....J called me from work and said he wanted to talk to me about something that weekend but wouldn't say what. I begged and pleaded and he would not say. I would not say I am a patient person. So, he showed up that weekend and before he could even say "Hello", I insisted he telling what was on his mind.

He said, that there were two deal breakers that would end our relationship. The first was that we could not circumcise any boys that we would have. (My boys are currently uncut.) That was easy.

The second deal breaker was my potty mouth. He indicated that he hated that I swore so much. It was not classy, professional, and it was not what he wanted to hear the rest of his life. Nor was it what he wanted his children to hear. He essentially thought it was trashy.
***

Lulo has penguins. Three 3-inch plastic penguins. I spend at least 20 minutes a day wondering where they are or looking for them or checking up on them so I don't have to look for them. 20 minutes a day. 140 minutes a week. That's two hours. I don't think I am exaggerating. When one of these penguins are lost (and one was for exactly two months and we had to obtain a replacement), it creates a meltdown of Biblical proportions. See Ghostbusters.

I have impaled my finger looking for the penguins. I have almost gotten into a car accident. I have been on my hands and knees under couches, cribs, beds, futons, movie theater seats, bathrooms. I have fished the penguins out of toilets and sinks. They have scratched me, been thrown at me. I have sat on them, stepped on them. Both hurt like hell.

These penguins have often gotten more of my time than Juju and Jojo. They are driving me insane. If I am ever institutionalized, it will be over these penguins and their whereabouts. They piss me off. They anger me. They madden me. They make me anxious because I don't know when we will lose them next.

They are pretty much irreplaceable. He calls them Grandma Penguin and Mama Penguin. The other penguin is sort of without name. I don't know why. I have to know which one is which at all times. If I don't he yells at me. Last week my mother brilliantly put a "G" in pink highlighter on the penguins belly so all of us would always know. Tattooing the penguin was not problematic.

Anyhow, they have caused me to swear here and again. Yes, swearing was a deal breaker but a zebra can't change it stripes.
***

And so now Lulo says, "where are my effing penguins?"

He actually says EFFING because I try not to say FUCK in front of him when I am looking for them! Fuck, how did I end up here?