Stuck

I am very allergic to dogs and cats.  I remember going to my best friend Rachael’s house when she was getting ready to go to Homecoming with Diego in high school and her mother had like 32 cats in the house.  So, we ran into the house.  I ran up the stairs and she locked me in her pre-cleaned bathroom so I could help her get ready.  Within 15 minutes, I was sneezing every 30 seconds.  It is pretty gross but I am certain that the reason her hair stayed in place that night was because my sneeze mucous particles were distributed all over her hair as I was working with the hot curling iron on it.  We are still friends. 

By the end of Sunday, my nerves are usually worn thin and I am longing for Monday morning when I can wake up at the crack, go to Spin, and then come home and take my children to SCHOOL.  God bless school.  Anyhow. 

I went with my kids and husband to my in-laws house this afternoon wearing the only jeans that fit me anymore.  They have two Pomeranians that have taken over the house and usually I preload with Zyrtec and prepare to sneeze for a few hours.  The kids have fun with their cousins.  We all visit.  My MIL prepared some yummies for everyone to eat.  Well, as always, I walked into the house and within 15 minutes or so I was all stuffed up, losing my voice, rubbing my eyes, sneezing, coughing, etc.  It was way cute.

We got back home and the twins were experiencing a meltdown because (1) they wanted me to take off their boots, (2) their dad took off their boots, and (3) they wanted to take bath wearing their rain coats that they hadn’t taken off since 3:30 even though we were inside with the Pomeranian hair.  That just does not work.  And it’s Sunday.  And they need to go bed so that I don’t call 9-1-1 screaming 5150 repeatedly just so I can get seventy two hours of peace and quiet with a straight jacket on.

Meanwhile, I am going to pee in my pants. I hold it and hold it and hold it …until every one is bathed sans rain coats and in bed.  I run to the bathroom with snot running down my face and pee almost dripping out and I grab a Kleenex and try to rip off my jeans simultaneously and the Kleenex catches on the zipper of my only fat ugly pair of jeans and the zipper fails.  Totally fails.  With Kleenex stuck between each crevice of the zipper mechanism.  No more jeans.  Big fat ass.  I am all stuff up.

And that was the makings of my Sunday evening breakdown.  I cried.  A lot.  Things just aren’t going well.

Good Night. 

The Review that Made the Cut

So this is what I think I will go ahead and post as my review…is it better?  a little less psycho?

Dear Potential Employer:

Our family worked with Aline for almost two years.  She started out being really great, she had a good relationship with the kids, and she was mostly very reliable.  However, she began to slack off over time.  She spent a lot more time on her cell phone texting and calling friends…even when the kids were awake and in front of her.  She also stopped interacting with them as much.

On what turned out to be her last day, I was concerned about something that happened that could have only happened if she was not paying attention to my kids.  I guess she did not like that I questioned her because after I went back to work, she texted me that she had left my house and was not coming back.  In other words, she left my kids unattended and texted me to end a two year relationship with my family.   

My advice:  Try another nanny.  She is not trustworthy, ethical, responsible, or mature.  I would be very concerned about leaving any kids in her charge.

The Ex-Nanny Chronicles: The Heartbreaker.

See, the other day I wrote a review of this ex-nanny so that I could post it on Care.Com. And then, J read it and told me that the only person who would write a review like that is completely insane and no potential employer would ever regard it in their decision making. Sigh. Well, for whatever it's worth, it made me feel better to write it.

Perhaps that's a lawyer thing...writing a mean letter makes you feel better? Now, though, I feel worse because I still want to post a review. Maybe I will edit it a tad and take out about 6 paragraphs...? Or maybe, I will just stew. Any thoughts, friends?
**
Dear Potential Employer:

If you are considering hiring Aline, the first question you should ask her is what she's been doing since she left Brazil. She has been working for me full-time for the better part of 2 years, on and off. You should then seriously consider the fact that she has failed to obtain a recommendation from me after such a long relationship. That ALONE should disturb any potential employer. Sadly, my experience with Aline ended in a very negative fashion.

Don't expect any loyalty, maturity, work ethic or decency from this nanny. Perhaps, she'll care for your kids and they'll be fine but she will have very little respect or honor for the parent/nanny relationship. In fact, the only reason that I have given her 2 stars is because my children appeared happy and unharmed during the two years they were in her charge. But, perhaps this was only a function of the fact that my husband and I worked from home and kept an eye on things.

On the day she left, I had questioned the fact that she had clearly been ignoring my children. A toy which had no reason to be destroyed was in a hundred pieces. An open magazine and her cell were on the table. She had obviously been ignoring my kids while she amused herself reading about celebrities and texting her boyfriend. After I questioned her about it, she answered me that they had been "playing". Um, seems to me that her entire job was to pay attention to the kids. No one in their right mind would have allowed them to "play" in this fashion.

I let the issue go even though I had a few choice things to tell her because Aline had already told me this would be her last week and I wanted to keep things friendly. Frankly, you expect people to slack off a little during their last week on the job. Sadly, this is all you can expect from people anymore. However, I was very disappointed in the fact that she would allow my kids to destroy a toy when they had managed to keep the toy in one piece for several weeks. Perhaps it was her grasp of English but she seemed to think that I was accusing her of destroying the toy, but really I was wondering what SHE was doing that allowed her to so thoroughly ignore my children that they could have done such an enormous amount of damage. My boys are normal toddlers - so, I am not disturbed by what they did. Toddlers take things apart. I, do, however wonder what SHE was doing when she was supposed to be taking care of them.

Next thing I knew, I was working in my office and I got a text that she had left my home, that she had "no guilt" regarding what happened to the toy, and she wouldn't be coming back. Heartless. Isn't that lovely? Isn't it lovely that the moment I questioned her care of my children which was her only job, she would jump in her car and LEAVE my children unattended after having a relationship with my family for TWO years.

Frankly, I now must also question her intelligence. Would an intelligent person allow children to act without regard for themselves and their belongings without a second thought? Would an intelligent person sacrifice their only job reference in this country? Probably not.

She is the exact kind of person who places no value and has no regard to a long relationship or a good repoire with her employer. Aline collected her Christmas present and large bonus and went on vacation for a week. A vacation I permitted because I assumed she'd return. Well, dear friends, the woman emailed me on the Tuesday (during her vacation) preceding New Year's Eve to let me know that the next week would in fact be her last week working for me. Not even 2 weeks notice...on a HOLIDAY week no less! How appropriate. Collect your bonus and bail? Aline is a real class act. AND THEN, come ONE morning and leave without saying goodbye and TEXT that you are gone merely because your employer had the "audacity" to question the below standard level of care of the kids.

Who DOES that? Can you imagine the kind of person who would be so rude and inappropriate? After treating her as part of my family and paying her timely for TWO years, she summarily left MIDDAY with a TEXT. Seriously? Heartbreaking. She'll screw you, folks. Have no doubt about it.

{{To be fair, please understand that this relationship was good for a long time. She used to care about the kids and what she was doing. I am not a negligent parent and would not have kept her on for this long unless she had some good qualities. However, that clearly changed and her actions upon her departure showed me that perhaps she was clearly not the person I thought.}}

You can't trust this person. Keep her out of your homes, out of your lives, out of your childrens' lives. She has no moral compass and I hope I never have to cross paths with her again. She is the worst kind of employee and hopefully the only employment that she manages to obtain when comes back from Brazil is one where disrespect, a low IQ, and a below average set of values is the norm...a telemarketer perhaps?

Big, Fat Breaths

Sometimes Lulo is so cute, I call him ugly a la Shug, "you sho' is ugly".

And he is so skinny with little chicken legs, so I tell him to move his big, fat butt.

I know that this is probably not a great idea because one day he will call someone who is morbidly obese "big, fat, and ugly" and I will be really, really embarrassed but for now...it's one of the ways I joke with him. He seems to be saying it in jest too. Also, when he calls me big and fat these days, I like to pretend it's a compliment even though I am approaching maximum density.

Anyhow, I did not breast feed and my general opinion on breast feeding can be left to a whole different post. However, I think this may be why Lulo has not gotten the right word for "breasts" down. He keeps calling them "hips" and I have not wanted to correct him because (1) it is funny and (2) I really don't want him walking around saying the word "breasts" or other related euphemism/slang term to every female on the planet.

This is all relevant because tonight, after I tucked him in, he told me I had "big fat hips". And I said, "what is big and fat?" And he pointed to my "breasts" and I thought this was going nowhere good.

So, I told him, "these are not hips Lulo, these (pointing to actual breasts) are called breasts. THESE (pointing to actual large ass) are hips."

He says "THOSE TAKE BREATHS. HOW?" Eyes bulging.
"No, no, not breaths. Breasts."
"How do they take breaths?"
"They don't take breaths, they make milk."
"When do they make milk, how?"
"Um, uh, good night Lulo. Go to bed now."
"I want to call them hips since they don't take breaths. Big, fat hips."
"OK, Good Night."
"Good night."

Selfish

He's always been a good sleeper. He used to go to bed with less difficulty. He didn't used to need an escort to the bathroom. He didn't complain about the air conditioning being on. He didn't imagine noises or manage to find the movement of hangers in my closet to be a disturbing sound. He used to just go to bed. Now, there is a whole slew of nonsense that accompanies his bedtime rituals before nap and at night. I think it is worse because of the two flights of stairs to get to the little face that now can peer over the banister. Or maybe it's just annoying to take someone to pee only to have to run up again to escort him to poop not 3 minutes later. And then go up again to hear a "secret".

It's really irrelevant. Because after all that time getting him to go to bed and then finally, impatiently threatening his life if he comes out of bed again, I go in there around 10 p.m. I remove the door prop, I fix his blankets, I put all the askew body parts in place, and I kiss his temple. I suck in a deep whiff and fill up all my senses with his smell. I fill up my lungs with the newborn scent that somehow still accompanies him and the mildewy sent that resides on his stuffed elephant. I am, at that moment, aware of the warmth that rises from him and enjoy it. I don't miss him. I don't want to hang out with him. I don't want him to wake up. I really really don't want him to wake up. I just want to be there with him. Breathing him in. Enjoying his peacefulness. Appreciating his long limbs and how he developing into this little boy. Accepting how lucky I am to have him there, like that, as he is.

Make a Lovely Light

A friend of J's stopped by tonight because J had volunteered me to draft a stern letter to a clothing designer who is refusing to produce his daughter's dresses (yes, plural) for her Sweet 16 birthday party.

So, I am talking to the guy, who was the sweetest, most down to earth dude to ever. He was in messy clothes with dirty hands and tired from a hard day doing manly man's work. And then, to my shock and amazement, he utters the words..."two of her three dresses will not be ready and the quinciniera is only two weeks away!" Well, dear me.

So, because I have watched a couple (dozen) episodes of Sweet 16 on MTV, I jokingly say, "is she making her entrance on a horse?" And he says, "no, an ELEPHANT." And I had no words, for the first time in 15 minutes. Apparently, the dress in which she is making her "grand entrance" on the elephant is one of the dresses that won't be ready. You can't just go buy one of those dresses at the mall, he explains. OhhhhK.

After realizing that he wasn't joking, I ask him a few lawyer like type questions. Tell him he ought to have a Plan B, etc. etc. Then, I once again make a little jokey and I say, "so, are you buying her a Porsche to drive off in." His eyes got big and he said, "how did you know?" She will indeed be driving off in a Porsche from the first private event ever held at one of the Fairplex buildings.

The weird thing was he did not seem like one of those over the top, ridiculous Dads on MTV's Sweet 16. He had a twinkle in his eyes. He was tired and hard working and in love with his little girl. He was proud to his core of how she has overcome her learning disabilities and is competing in her classes, how she is now the Vice President of her high school class, how she is a good girl who is far exceeding his expectations. I don't know. I didn't get irritated despite being flabbergasted by a show of excess that I typically mock. I liked the dude.

Anyhow, let's just stick this on my list of why I like having boys. I can just go paint balling with them and let them drive off of the junkyard with a car that they can rebuild. Now, that's a Sweet 16 I can look forward to.

Driving with Joe Friday

We were driving home from school today taking the many twists and turns up the hill to my house and I was in my own little zone. I have, after all, gone up and down this his 12,000 times. Luk was mowing on a cookie in the back; I was thinking about how much needed doing when I walked in the door.

And all of a sudden Luk says, that was a STOP sign and you didn't stop. I was like, "um, yes I did." He said, "no you didn't, S-T-O-P is STOOOOOOOOOP and you didn't."

So, "Um, Uh, I slowed down."

"That isn't stopping. S-T-O-P, STOOOOOOOP!"

Frankly, it's too soon for him to be commenting on my driving and I didn't appreciate it.